Ice Cube: Straight Outta Minnie

Ice Cube tells Bon Appetit Magazine he starts his day with Peace Coffee from Minneapolis: “I wake up at 5:30, 6 in the morning, but don’t head into the office right away. I like to hang out with my wife, talk about things, get some coffee, you know. I make a mean cup of coffee, if you give me the right ingredients. We usually have Peace coffee, or sometimes Starbucks, and I make it strong.”

Straight outta Minnie, crazy motherfucker named Ice Cube
Won’t say the name of my band, don’t wanna be rude
When I’m called off, I turn MPR off
Lift the shovel, and snow is hauled off

You too, boy, if ya fuck with me
East Hudson’s gonna hafta come and get me
On a bike, that’s how I’m goin’ out
Screenprinting motherfuckers are hangin’ out

Packers steppin’ to ya, they wanna do ya
Mix ‘em and cook ‘em in a pot like booya
Goin’ off on motherfuckers like that
With a stadium bill pointed at yo’ ass

So give it up, harden
I’m rockin’ the garden
Here’s a local rap to keep yo’ crazy
I’m wearin’ checkered pants like Martin Devaney

Gimme a charter school
Don’t make me act the motherfuckin’ fool
Me you can go toe to toe, no maybe I’m knockin stars off First Ave daily
Digging my community garden yearly
Until them dumb motherfuckers see clearly
That I’m down with the capital S-T-P
Boy you can’t fuck with me

So when I’m in your state, you better duck
Cuz Ice Cube is crazy as fuck
Right now I’m chillin’ in my neighborhood, Kenny
And when I come back, boy, I’m comin’ straight outta Minnie

- Jay Gabler

“Best of” Lists that City Pages Left Out

Best Bookstore (with furniture for discreet public napping)

As much as I love the magnetic pull of Barnes & Noble’s discount section, its furniture is a) always occupied, b) not too cushy, and c) far too exposed to the general traffic for public napping. Public napping is a shameless activity, but some discretion relieves the staff of instigating an awkward “move along” nudge, and allows you to curl in a fetal position for 30 minutes on your lunch break. I’m not proud, only honest.

Best Street (with an adjacent bike lane)

For every Twin Cities biker who swiftly navigates allotted bike lanes, there is one who rides the middle of the road at leisure speed, fails to make any signals and careens into moving traffic without warning. I love wide, distinct bike lanes because they cut my chances of accidental manslaughter while driving 25mph to the grocery store. They also discourage morons in cars from hogging the road.

Best Grocery Store (pay-by-the-pound deli buffet)

Does anyone really need a “to go” pint of garlic clove stuffed olives? Is it really that tough to slice your own veggies and throw together a fresh salad? Thanks to grocery store deli buffets, the laziest and busiest of shoppers can still enjoy fancy appetizers and fresh vegetables!

Best consignment shop (that will accept the rattiest of offerings)

What’s more discouraging than carting a sack of unwanted clothing into a consignment shop and having every item rejected? Seeing a stained, faux fur mini skirt for sale on your way out. What exactly are the industry standards here?

Best Public Restroom (for overall ambiance)

I know I’m not the only one who enjoys a snazzy restaurant bathroom. Not only am I a stickler for cleanliness, but the delight I take in artisanal sinks make of suspended copper bowls is a true  testament to joy found in “the little things.” This is something you will appreciate more after spending a full 30 seconds in the public bathrooms at Hard Times Café. You make a mean pancake, Hard Times, but the dim lighting, Sharpie-scrawled abortion poetry on the wall, and soap shortage aren’t doing you any favors.

Best Movie Theater (to sneak booze/food into)

I am proud to say I once successfully snuck 12-inch sub and a pint of ice cream into a movie theater, without a purse. To prevent such trafficking, some theaters actually check bags for snack smuggling. Sorry, silver screen, not everyone wants to pay $5 for a bag of M&M’s or $9 for a glass of chardonnay to get through the emotional overload of Titanic in 3-D. The ticket taker who turns a blind eye is an unadorned hero.

Best Metro Transit (Bus Driver)

I’m all for public transportation, but it’s hard to tell if some of Twin Cities bus drivers are drunk, or just in a manic hurry. Too often I find myself screaming and swerving without signal into another lane to avoid a bus side sweep. By “best” in this category, I mean a driver who uses signals, eases onto on ramps and doesn’t barrel down the interstate like an army tank.

Best Parking (with meters that police don’t enforce because dammit you’re out of quarters again)

I know I have some somewhere…here! Wait, no…why do I keep all this crap in purse, anyway? How old is this granola bar? Why can’t these things just take nickels and dimes?!

- Katya Karaz

Comprehensive List of Vita.mn Lists That Dessa Will Top

-Best Local Musician

-Best Twitterer

-Best Non-Male Member of Local Rap Collective

-Best Poet

-Best (Local) Poet

-Best Neighborhood Eatery

-Best First Date Spot

-Best Lawn Ornament

-Best Use of the Letter “D”

-Best Mom Who’s Not Actually a Mom But You’d Like Her to Be Your Mom

-Best Vague and Unthreatening Ethnicity

-Best Cauliflower Dipping Sauce

-Best La Quinta Inn and Suites Experience

-Best Interpretive Dance Commemorating the Rainbow Lights under the 35 Bridge During Pride Week 2011

-Best Thing in Minneapolis Ever

- Becky Lang, Dunstan McGill, and Katie Sisneros

An Imagined Conversation with Minnesota Nice

Hey! How are you? Good? Oh, I’m good too. Should we take that table over there? Great.

Minnesota Nice, we know one another pretty well at this point, I think, what with my having lived within your confines for two thirds of my life. Right? Is that fair? Good. Okay. Well, frankly, I’ve got some problems with you that I’d like to discuss. Please don’t look at me like that. Yes, I got you here under false pretenses, but if I’d asked you plainly to talk about our problems, you would have just ignored my email. Do you wanna get the jalapeno poppers? Cool.

Okay, first of all, you know you’re not actually very nice, right? I mean, you’ll pull over and help me if I’ve got a flat tire, or lend me your ice scraper and that kind of giving, neighborly stuff, but when it comes to being a good friend, you’re really kind of shitty at it. For instance, I’ll send you a text message, and if it’s the least bit upset or angry with you, or if I’m inviting you to something and you don’t want to disappoint me by saying no, you just don’t respond. And then there’s all the weird shit you do online, like RSVP-ing affirmatively that you’re going to some event I’ve invited you to, and then you don’t show. When I ask you about it later, you usually make an excuse, but sometimes you tell me, “Oh, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to be rude by saying no.” And then I kind of want to punch you in the face a little bit, but restrain myself, and instead tell you that it’s not rude to tell the truth. And then you look at me like I’m the asshole.

Read More

Alternate Suggestions for the University of Wisconsin’s Social Media Brand Voice

#NuttilyProfessorial

#GenuinelyCheesy

#BoldlyBadgering

#InhaledHelium

#SmartAssButLikeInAGoodWay

#MendotallyMononanous

#FunAsFartsInAWaterpark

#ScottWalkersSnarkyValet

- Jay Gabler

On People Who Bitch About the Twin Cities (or Anywhere)

In the wake of the Howler shark-feed, an event two nights ago caught my attention.

It was one of those strange parallel universe type of things. Two tweets. One a Minneapolis friend. The other, a guy from Chicago. Both talking about Minneapolis. The Minneapolis friend was at a BBQ and said “she loves this city.” The guy was planning a trip to Minneapolis and bitched about the “Twin Shitties.” The city has “an attitude,” he wrote.

What was I to think? How could two people—relatively similar, twentysomethings, intelligent, progressive, artistic, etc.—have two very different opinions about the same city?

Well, let’s back up.

It seems to me (no ethnographer) that as identities of ancestry fade over the generations, our affiliations with cities (and/or states) will strengthen. Check the recent string of states being tattooed on biceps across the Upper Midwest. For more evidence, well, I live on a border town, and these seemingly petty allegiances to the Vikings or Packers, beer cheese soup or Lefse, take on almost fascist importance (“I married a girl from the other side of the River,” a local revealed to me one night, as though such a maneuver negated his citizenship).

But really, as with nationalism, your tie to your “city” (or opposition to another city) is never really about the city. Bitching about, say Minneapolis or Fargo or Milwaukee or Chicago or Des Moines (I suppose), seems more like bitching about yourself. Your own unhappiness. You are trying to make yourself feel comfortable with your decision to live where you live because of factors you can’t control (work, family, significant others, etc). Fuck those losers four hours away.

Now, legitimate distinctions do exist. Weather, size/intensity of the death metal scene, what you call Hardee’s varies from town to town. But that’s really about it. Any other grievance is usually fabrication.

So with my rival tweeters, my guess is they both have had idiosyncratic experiences that make the city in their eyes. I know not many friends will go to the guy’s show. I know my Minneapolis friend is happily plugged into the arts scene.

But neither of their comments had to do with the city, objectively.

If you’re not convinced yet, let’s turn to South Dakota.

Right now, there is a dude, maybe a musician, sitting at a bar (let’s say Phil’s Pub) in Sioux Falls bitching about the music scene in Minneapolis. He loves it in Sioux Falls. He’s a big-timer there. He thinks the Sioux Falls scene is a larger manifestation of his very artistic soul. Bravo, man.

But little does he know that about 10 miles away in Tea (a bedroom community of Sioux Falls) there is a DJ (high school dances, wedding receptions, etc…) who swears off ever doing gigs in Sioux Falls because it’s too damn crowded. Instead, his scene is smaller towns. He doesn’t like to “go into the city (aka Sioux Falls)” much. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

And yet, lastly, there is an old rocker dude in Rowena (look it up) who is bitching about playing a bar in Tea last weekend because the “city slicker” attitudes. He cools off his radiator with buckets of well water and has been swearing for years to live out west somewhere. But for now, he likes Rowena. He says Rowena is exactly where he wants to be. God’s country.

I literally know all three of these people. The last one I’m more or less related to. The second one I roomed with in college. The first one I played in a band with. They are not that different. But they need to feel different. For their own sanity, they need to believe things could not be any other way.

So each will go on, swearing the food, women, music scene, attitudes, bartenders, fashion, local funny guy, VFW chicken fry, high school football coach, and bowling alley are the best anywhere on the planet. And that’s fine to yell in a bar. Just don’t print that shit.

I love Minneapolis. The city seems unrivaled for its Midwestern charm mixed with progressive culture. But, that’s not why I like it. I like it because I know what time the happy hour starts at Lyle’s and the Current plays my friends’ bands. I like it because I’ve lived there and had fun times, etc.

For the record, one thing all those South Dakota dudes have in common: they all collectively bitch about Minneapolis.

So there.

- Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy Dr Eric

Ten Things AEG Could Have Done to Make Minneapolis Music Fans Hate The Brick Even More

House DJs: Elite Gymnastics

Rumored Prince appearance every night

No beards allowed

Name it after a local civil rights icon in a misguided attempt to pay tribute

Beer comes in only pony bottles

All ages, all the time

Paint stars on the outside, and in each one paint a different misspelling of “Bon Iver”

Every photographer has to sign a waiver surrendering rights to not only photos of the band but also all photos of the photographer’s first-born child

Book a monthly gig for Adele to cancel

Put it in St. Paul

- Jay Gabler

3 Things Journalists Could Do to Help the Local Music Scene

1. Disclose when you’re writing about your friends.
In old school journalism, it was absolutely unethical to promote your friends in your publication. Now it’s a different story. For one thing, most writers around here are writing for little pay for 3+ different publications, which gives them less incentive to not write about the people they love, and editors less oversight for when they are doing so. The tight scene in Minneapolis makes this even trickier, because it’s almost impossible not to eventually know, and possibly befriend, people in bands. Let’s be realistic about these conditions, but at least disclose when we are writing about our friends for the sake of transparency.

2. Lay off the show reviews.
There are many ways to cover a band: record reviews, show previews, Q&A’s, profiles, show reviews, the list goes on. In my opinion, show reviews are arguably the most boring. I never really want to hear how “amped” or “not amped” a crowd was during a show, and find it bittersweet, not to mention uninteresting, to read about a show I didn’t make it to. But I keep finding that they are one of the most common ways to cover music in this city (and probably others), mostly because the million unpaid bloggers out there are promising to write reviews in order to get into shows free. We should be conscious of the ways we choose to cover music. As I said the other day, live music is overemphasized, and record reviews could use a little more love.

3. Consider how our press could expand our scene outward.
Our media coverage is fairly insular. “Minneapolis has the best hip-hop scene - here’s why.” “Another person from the midwest is getting famous let’s remind ourselves that we liked them from the beginning.” When you compare this coverage to MPLS.TV’s City of Music series, it is apparent that they are using multimedia to create shareable, engaging media about our local bands that has made them appeal to national publications. I’m not saying getting national press has to matter, but energy spent building up our “scene” can also close it off from the rest of the world.

-Becky Lang